It happened again the other night…
My husband and I went out for date night and when it was time to pay the bill, we asked about the military discount. The waitress turns to my husband and asks for his military ID. I am going to assume it’s because he is a clean cut able-bodied male and I was wearing a dress but…um hello…I AM THE VETERAN!
Since I separated from active duty in 2016, this is a typical interaction with the general public. Every time I ask about a military discount or pull out my USAA card I get asked, “was your husband in the military?” No sir / ma’am, he was not nor does he ever want to be in the military!
Sometimes my fellow veterans don’t believe me either.
On one trip to Lowes that will forever be burned in my memory, I was mean-mugged by a Vietnam veteran when I dared to park in one of the four open “Veterans Only” parking spots in front of the store. Even with my Air Force lanyard hanging around my neck, I could tell that he thought I was using my husband’s “rank” to claim rights to my front row parking spot. I sternly let him know not to worry, that he wasn’t witnessing “stolen valor”, and that I am a USAF veteran that served a tour in Afghanistan. He sheepishly turned away and walked briskly into the store without a word.
The Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) doesn’t understand either.
When I attended my first veteran out-patient appointment at the Salem V A Medical Center, Henry was under a year old, and there I went with a baby, stroller, diaper bag and all. To say I looked out of place is the understatement of the century. I’m pretty sure that my fellow veterans had NEVER seen a baby roll through the VA Medical Center doors before.In addition to the prying eyes of my fellow veterans, my next awkward experience occurred at the Visitor Information Desk. It was my first time at the Salem VA Medical Center and I needed help finding the Women’s Health Clinic. When I asked the nice veteran volunteer working at the information desk where to go, he looked me square in the eye and said “what is women’s health”? He honestly did not know that the clinic existed nor where it was located. I went on my way and found the Women’s Health clinic on my own.
These experiences are not unique to me and are faced by female veterans across the country.
According to the Department of Veterans Affairs, there are more than 2,000,000 female US military veterans living in the US today. Each woman is grappling with challenges associated with her unique lived experiences and her military service. In a study conducted by The Wounded Warrior Project, woman warriors reported the following concerns (emphasis mine):
“After experiences like sexual trauma, coping with mental health conditions, and managing physical injuries, some women warriors intentionally hide their veteran status or struggle to come to terms with their service. Others feel proud of their service but frustrated at the lack of recognition they receive from civilians or male peers. In this survey, less than half of women warriors felt respected for their service (47%). Within the veteran community, less than half agreed that they had strong connections with male veterans (45%), while just over half felt they had strong connections with female veterans (52%). Building a meaningful support system is particularly critical at the point of transition from service, a time during which many women warriors described feeling lost or ostracized. Women infrequently see themselves represented in a veteran community that is overwhelmingly male yet struggle to relate to civilian women who do not understand their military experiences. They crave support and connection from other women veterans who innately understand their backgrounds, attitudes, and communication styles. This was further supported by a measure of loneliness, or perceived isolation, on the survey. Overall, 80% of women warriors scored as lonely based on the UCLA Three-Item Loneliness Scale. These results speak to the critical nature of and need for social support.”
Loneliness and isolation are two hurdles that I have battled since transitioning from active duty to civilian homemaker.
Even though I have made dear friends in this season of motherhood, I still feel “different” then my mom friends. My tough love attitude, direct communication style and independence are attributes that made me successful in the military, but conflict with the gentle and loving persona expected of a civilian mom. I have learned to adapt to my civilian mom life, but I still long to make meaningful connections with moms that share a similar military service history. This is the driving force behind my decision to start The Veteran Mom.
To my fellow mom veterans out there…
Be proud of your service! Don’t be afraid to correct those that mistakenly assumed your husband or male friend was the veteran. Know that you are not alone and that I understand your challenge with trying to connect with fellow civilian mamas that may not understand our motivation, attitudes or communication styles that we honed during military service.
To my civilian mom friends…
Be supportive of your veterans’ service! You may not understand her military experiences but you can be there for them now. Your veteran mom friend may be dealing with internal wounds from her military service and may resist sharing her burdens with you. Being present and offering a listening ear when she is ready to engage is the best way you can help.
If you want to learn more about how to support your veteran mom friends, please checkout the The Veteran Mom Resources page.
